In a move that industry experts are calling both “brilliant” and “a sad day for doom,” Orange Amplifiers has officially announced its seasonal rebrand: for the fall season, the company will now be known as Pumpkin Spice Amplifiers.
The rebrand includes no functional changes to the amps themselves, aside from a faint scent of cinnamon and nutmeg emitted when the tubes warm up. “We just wanted to celebrate autumn in a way that feels authentic to our tone,” said company spokesperson Nigel ‘Tone Lord’ Farnsworth. “It’s the same thick, fuzzy distortion Orange users love — just now with a touch of cozy latte energy.”
The limited-edition Pumpkin Spice 100 head comes in a burnt-orange casing with a faux coffee sleeve and includes a new knob labeled Crispness, which allegedly adjusts your amp’s output based on sweater thickness. Early reviews describe it as “the perfect sound for playing doom riffs while watching leaves die.”
In a press release, the company encouraged guitarists to “embrace the season” by pairing the amps with flannel shirts, Instagram filters, and riffs slow enough to match the pace of falling foliage.
Not everyone is thrilled about the change. One doom metal purist complained online: “I didn’t buy an amp to smell like a Yankee Candle. I bought it to sound like the end of the world.” Others, however, are leaning in hard — reports suggest several sludge bands are already renaming themselves for the season, with new acts like Spice Bong, Autumn Bonglord, and Pumpkin Sabbath emerging across Bandcamp.
Orange CEO Cliff Cooper assured long-time fans that this is just a limited-time offering: “Once winter hits, we’ll return to normal — unless, of course, the market demands a Peppermint Doom Edition.”
At press time, boutique amp builders were reportedly considering following suit, with rumors of a “Gingerbread Fuzz Pedal” already sending shockwaves through the stoner rock community.
This article is satire.
