Local concert photographer Melissa Granger found herself facing a professional dilemma Saturday night while shooting an underground sludge metal showcase: determining whether the band’s bassist was making his signature “stank face” during an especially filthy riff or actively battling for his life after consuming three beefy 5-layer burritos.
“It’s honestly impossible to tell anymore,” Granger explained while scrolling through hundreds of photos from the evening. “When doom and stoner bands really lock into a groove, they all make that same face—eyes squeezed shut, lips curled, sweating profusely, body hunched over in obvious discomfort. But that’s also exactly what it looks like after consuming a salad these days.”
The confusion reportedly began during the opening band’s second song when bassist Chad Morrison doubled over, grimacing with such conviction that audience members immediately assumed he was channeling Geezer Butler through the power of low frequencies.
“I got THE shot,” Granger said. “At least I thought I did. Then I noticed he was really clenching his butt cheeks between measures.”
The incident has sparked an ongoing debate within the live music photography community. A recent survey found that nearly 87% of bass players in doom, sludge, and stoner metal exhibit facial expressions that are indistinguishable from mild-to-severe gastrointestinal distress.
Common symptoms include:
- Intense sweating
- Facial discoloration
- Sudden crouching during breakdowns
- Unexplained pacing near backstage bathrooms
- Deep, guttural vocalizations that could either be appreciation for the riff or cries for help
- Making direct eye contact with God during the heaviest section of the song
Experts say the problem has only gotten worse as musicians continue combining doom metal’s love of cheap Mexican food, craft beer, gas station snacks, and modern dispensary-grade cannabis.
“Back in the ’70s, bass face was simple,” explained music historian Dr. Kevin Lurch. “Geezer Butler made bass face because he was possessed by heavy metal. Today’s bass players make bass face because they’re possessed by a Crunchwrap Supreme and two IPA flights.”
Audience members remain equally confused.
“There was this absolutely disgusting riff during their closer,” said one concertgoer. “The bassist dropped to one knee and looked like he was transcending reality. Everyone started cheering. Then he sprinted offstage and didn’t come back for the encore.”
At press time, the bassist confirmed that the photograph in question was, in fact, “about 60% riff face and 40% gastrointestinal emergency,” adding, “The tone was absolutely worth it.”
He later clarified that the band’s upcoming EP, Brown Note from Beyond the Void, was inspired entirely by a late-night Taco Bell run after rehearsal.
“Some riffs are born in the desert,” he explained. “Others are born in the Taco Bell drive-thru…”
This article is satire.
