Following the recent announcement that legendary stoner metal pioneers Sleep would continue performing without guitarist Matt Pike, former Kyuss bassist Chris Cockrell reportedly had a revelation:
“Wait… are we just allowed to do that now?”
Within hours, the long-dormant desert rock institution Kyuss announced its own long-awaited reunion. Fans were initially thrilled, assuming the lineup would include familiar names like Josh Homme, John Garcia, Brant Bjork, or at least Nick Oliveri.
Instead, the official lineup consists of Chris Cockrell, a half-ounce of suspiciously old marijuana discovered in a toolbox, two malfunctioning amplifiers, and Frank Delvecchio, a retired HVAC technician who lives three houses down from the rehearsal space.
“People keep focusing on who’s missing,” said Cockrell. “But nobody’s talking about who’s here. Frank’s here.”
The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through the stoner rock community.
“I bought tickets before they announced the lineup,” admitted one fan. “Then I saw the poster and thought maybe I’d had too many edibles.”
According to sources, the reunion really began when Cockrell popped on an old Kyuss cassette while cleaning his garage.
“I heard a fuzz tone and got emotional,” he explained. “Next thing I know, I’m calling Frank and asking if he knows how to play guitar.”
Frank does not.
“I told Chris I’ve never touched a guitar,” said Frank. “He said, ‘Not a problem.'”
Rehearsals have reportedly gone surprisingly well, despite several obstacles. One amplifier only emits a low humming noise that sounds like a refrigerator dying, while the other occasionally bursts into flames whenever someone attempts a power chord.
“Honestly, that’s the most authentic desert-rock tone I’ve heard in years,” said one attending journalist.
Meanwhile, the bag of weed—officially credited as a full member of the band—has already become a fan favorite.
“The weed brings a lot to the creative process,” said Cockrell. “Mainly confusion, paranoia, and forgetting which song we’re playing.”
Early reports from the first rehearsal indicate the group spent nearly 3 hours tuning, two hours discussing generators, and another two hours trying to remember whether Kyuss songs actually had choruses.
No music was played.
Still, fans remain cautiously optimistic.
“If we’re being honest, half of Kyuss mythology is already based on generators, dust, broken equipment, and people showing up unexpectedly,” said one longtime listener. “Frank kind of fits.”
At press time, the newly reformed Kyuss was forced to postpone its debut performance after Frank mistakenly drove the tour van to a Costco and forgot why he was there.
Sources say the band remains committed to the reunion and has already begun work on a new album tentatively titled Welcome to Sky Valley HOA Meeting.
This article is satire.
