After decades of quietly ignoring handwritten notes soaked in bong water and sealed with patchouli wax, Santa Claus has finally issued a formal response to the global stoner and doom metal community, addressing the overwhelming number of letters that all ask for the same thing every year: big, fat riffs.
“Listen,” Santa began in an open letter released this morning, written in red ink and faintly smelling of pine and peppermint, “I love the enthusiasm. I really do. But I need to clear something up — I am not a genie.”
According to Santa, his workshop is equipped for toy production, not riff creation. “We make trains. We make dolls. We make things with wheels,” he explained. “We do not forge crushing low-end tones, summon tritones from the abyss, or tune guitars to drop whatever-you-guys-are-doing-now.”
The letter comes after Santa’s elves reported a record-breaking number of requests from doom and stoner bands this year, many of which simply read: ‘Dear Santa, please bring me some big, fat, nasty riffs this year’ or ‘All I want for Christmas is tone’.
Still, Santa insists he’s not unsympathetic. “I get it. Riffs are important. Very important,” he wrote. “But I don’t invent them. That’s between you, your amp, and whatever strain you’re currently naming your album after.”
However, Santa did confirm that while he can’t create riffs, he can certainly deliver some things that help them happen.
Among the items Santa says he can provide:
- Black Sabbath records, “because historically speaking, that’s where most riffs came from anyway.”
- A brand-new Orange amplifier, “nothing creates doom like cheery little elves.”
- A Big Muff guitar pedal, which Santa described as “basically a small box that turns a perfectly normal note into geological activity.”
“These are tools,” Santa clarified. “I supply the tools. You do the riffing. That’s how this relationship works.”
Santa also asked bands to stop requesting “vintage tube saturation from the souls of the damned,” noting that it is “logistically difficult” and “deeply frowned upon by the elves’ union.”
In closing, Santa encouraged doom and stoner musicians to stay realistic this holiday season. “Practice your instruments. Change your strings. Maybe rehearse sober once,” he advised. “If you’ve been good, you’ll wake up to some Sabbath, an Orange amp, and a Big Muff under the tree. If you’ve been bad… well, you’ll still probably get a Big Muff. I’m not heartless.”
At press time, Santa was reportedly sliding down a chimney somewhere in Palm Desert, gently placing a copy of Master of Reality beneath a Christmas tree and whispering, “The rest is up to you.”
This article is satire.
