In an age where “doomscrolling” — the compulsive consumption of catastrophic news — has reached pandemic levels, mental health experts and metalheads alike may have found a surprising antidote: simply swap the despair of global headlines for the despair of slow, crushing riffs. That’s right. The cure for doomscrolling… is scrolling for doom.
Rather than spending hours spiraling through feeds about economic collapse, environmental doom, and imminent societal implosion, experts now suggest replacing your toxic Twitter diet with a hearty serving of doom and stoner metal band recommendations. Think less CNN, more Sleep. Less panic-inducing headlines, more fuzz-laden riff worship.
“I used to lie awake at night reading about collapsing polar ice caps,” said former doomscroller-turned-doom-curator Lana Price. “Now I lie awake listening to Monolord’s Rust and trying to decide which fuzz pedal best represents the end of the world. My therapist says that’s technically progress.”
Psychologists say the key is embracing existential dread with intent. “When you choose to be crushed by despairing guitars instead of doom-laden news articles, you take control of the narrative,” said Dr. Henry Vasquez. “Plus, the bass tones are way better.”
The shift has already sparked a new online movement: users trading war zone updates for Bandcamp deep dives and Spotify playlists titled things like 2025: Global Meltdown, but Make It Riffs. Doom memes have overtaken political outrage threads, and hashtags like #DoomNotDoom and #DoomScrollingNotDoomscrolling are trending across platforms.
Even social media algorithms have begun to adapt, reportedly pushing Earthless album covers and Bongripper tour announcements instead of articles about the sixth mass extinction. “Honestly, I’d rather scroll through 37 different versions of Electric Wizard live bootlegs than read another headline about billionaires buying bunkers,” said one Reddit user.
Critics argue that trading doomscrolling for literal doom might just be exchanging one type of psychological spiral for another, but fans insist there’s a major difference. “Doom metal is slow and crushing,” said user @RiffWitch666, “but it’s the kind of crushing that feels like a warm, fuzzy amplifier hugging your soul, not the icy grip of existential anxiety.”
At press time, thousands of former doomscrollers were reportedly resting easy, headphones on, phones in hand, endlessly scrolling for the next hidden gem from Finland’s underground sludge scene. And for the first time in years, they were doing it with a smile.
This article is satire.
