In a bold act of genre manipulation, local doom metal fan Marcus “GrimWitch420” Halpern has formally demanded that Spotify recategorize Taylor Swift as doom metal so he can publicly share his Spotify Wrapped without ridicule from his stoner-doom friend group.
Halpern, who proudly claims he only listens to the heaviest and bleakest doom known to man, was horrified when he opened his Wrapped to find that his top artist was not Sleep, Monolord, or even some obscure Bandcamp band recorded inside a mossy cave, but instead global pop icon Taylor Swift.
“Look, I had a tough year,” Halpern confessed. “Sometimes you need a 17-minute drone riff, and sometimes you need a song about breaking up with a guy who wears boat shoes. But my friends can NEVER know this.”
Determined to salvage his metal credibility, Halpern drafted a 12-page Google Doc arguing that Taylor Swift’s music actually fits the doom metal aesthetic if you “listen with the right mindset.”
Among his key points:
- “Her songs are emotionally crushing—classic doom theme.”
- “Some of her lyrics are pretty bleak. That’s basically doom.”
- “If you slow ANY Taylor Swift song by 800%, it sounds exactly like a Bell Witch intro.”
- “She’s re-recording her albums. Doom bands re-record songs on every live release. Coincidence? No.”
Halpern even provided Spotify with a mock-up of what her genre tags should look like:
“Doom Metal, Sadcore, Country (Doom Variant), Proto-Sludge (Taylor’s Version).”
Swifties have responded with confusion. Doom fans have responded with rage. But Halpern insists this is about artistic integrity.
“My boys won’t accept that I listened to 4,000 minutes of 1989 (Taylor’s Version) unless I can prove it’s actually doom,” he said. “I can’t show up to practice with my band, Gargantuan Bonglord, and admit I blasted ‘Style’ on repeat. I’ll get kicked out. They’ll replace me with a guy who owns more pedals.”
Spotify has not yet responded, though internal sources claim the request has already been forwarded to the “Absolutely Not” department.
