In an unprecedented yet entirely predictable turn of events, local stoner rock quartet Crater Bong completely forgot to show up to their Friday night gig at The Molten Taproom — but in a cosmic twist of fate, so did their entire fanbase.
The band’s absence was reportedly due to “some absolutely wicked Gorilla Glue pre-rolls” they smoked earlier that afternoon. “Next thing I know, it’s 2 a.m. Saturday and I’m halfway through a Planet Earth marathon,” said bassist Spliff Huxtable. “I could’ve sworn the gig was next month… or last month? Either way, we were vibing.”
“It was honestly the chillest no-show we’ve ever had,” said venue owner Darla Jenkins. “The band didn’t come, the crowd didn’t come, but we still sold a bunch of tickets and no one threw up in the bathroom. Honestly, a win for everyone.”
Meanwhile, several fans posted to the band’s Instagram after realizing—well into the following day—that they, too, had entirely forgotten about the concert.
“I had taken a couple edibles and ordered a pizza,” said longtime fan Sarah Winters. “But I started jamming on some killer tunes of my own and waiting on my second order of Taco Bell to get delivered when I realized I completely spaced the show.”
The band’s manager, who also serves as their drummer, offered a formal apology from his beanbag chair: “This weed is just too strong, man. Back in the day, you could rip a bowl and still build a cabinet. Now I can’t even remember my own riffs.”
Cannabis experts agree, noting that today’s THC levels have reached stratospheric levels. “Classic stoner rock was fueled by 5% THC brick weed and warm PBR,” said Dr. Lee Hamm, a musicologist and part-time budtender. “Today’s strains are like being hit with a sonic bong to the face. It’s no wonder no one can make it to the show.”
Despite the great gig vanish, The Molten Taproom made a solid profit on bar sales to confused passersby and didn’t have to pay out the band. “Honestly,” said Jenkins, “we might start booking imaginary bands every Friday. It’s cheaper, quieter, and there’s way less broken gear to mop up.”
Crater Bong plans to reschedule the show for “sometime soon-ish,” depending on everyone’s schedules and mental clarity. Tickets will be available for purchase online, assuming someone remembers the login.
At press time, the band was reportedly in talks to write a concept album about the experience, tentatively titled *The Show That Never Was (Because We Were Too High).
