This satire article is a collaboration between Slightly Fuzzed and Monster Riff. Welcome to Slightly Riffed: The Fakest News In Stoner Rock!
In the world of Stoner Rock, bands often hit the road, traveling from one gig to another in well-worn vans filled with gear, fans, weed, booze and, yes, occasionally an unforgettable odor. We’re taking a look at the top 10 Stoner Rock bands, ranked not for their musical prowess, but by how bad their tour van most likely reeks, based on how “rank” they probably are.
- Sasquatch: Remember that line in Anchorman… “It smells like Big Foot’s dick!”? Well, fun fact, that was originally about Sasquatch’s tour van. If “dive-bar” was a cologne, Sasquatch would be their spokesmen. The scent would be a mix of cheap lager, a chewing tobacco spit cup, mystery meat from an unnamed fast-food drive through, and all presented in a broken whiskey bottle.
- Electric Wizard: I get the feeling that maybe Electric Wizard just fundamentally doesn’t believe in showers or something. They probably have some sort of manifesto written that outlines how showers were invented by an oppressive government to hold people down and in order to restore order to the world, they will not be taking showers anymore.
- Truckfighters: If you have ever seen Truckfighters live, you know how much energy they expend during their set. Unfortunately, I’m guessing deodorant, or shirts for that matter, are not a common find inside their tour van. I’m willing to bet that everything in the van has a layer of sweat on it, and would love to see what has started growing in there now.
- Crowbar: I imagine Crowbar’s van could be confused for an ancient tomb filled with rotting mummies, but it’s just the stench of a thousand sweaty gig t-shirts, wet cigarette butts, and whiskey soaked beard hairs. However, Crowbar seems like the type of band that is oddly proud of the smell, so… congrats, I guess?
- Stöner: Legend has it that Brant Bjork and Ryan Güt travel with a separate van just for all of their sweaty tie-dye headbands after gigs. True or not, these stoners roam the desert with a miasma of funkiness that includes so much more than just their music. Straight out of a cartoon, I imagine a green cloud following them from town to town like a marsh gas.
- Bongzilla: Bongzilla’s van smells like an apothecary’s dream turned nightmare. It’s the perfect place for herbal aficionados but can be overpowering for others. How many times a day do you think the bong water spills? And more importantly, how many times do you think its properly cleaned up? The upholstery looks like some moldy Swiss cheese with all of the burn marks from dropped joints, and it smells like it too.
- Melvins: Melvins are too weird of a band to have the typical weed and body odor scent. This is something else. Their van smells like a mix of burning incense, damp socks, and an abandoned box of Pad Thai… but that’s still not weird enough. It’s a peculiar fusion that only Melvins enthusiasts can appreciate. I imagine a couple random fish heads, dog food (but no dog), one old boot, and an open tin can with a mystery substance inside.
