Longtime fans of the Melvins are in a state of growing panic as the band has shockingly gone over three weeks without releasing a new album, EP, live recording, split, or limited-edition lathe-cut vinyl with hand-drawn cover art. This unprecedented drought has left many wondering if frontman Buzz Osborne is facing an existential crisis, a severe case of riff depletion, or perhaps has been abducted by aliens.

“I mean, last year they put out three albums, two box sets, singing action figures, a series of cassette-only singles, and a noise-rock opera about a sentient amplifier,” said lifelong Melvins devotee Greg Waters. “Now, nothing for over three weeks? Something’s wrong. Is Buzz okay? Does he need help?”

Theories abound as to what might be causing this unusual break in the band’s otherwise relentless output. Some fans speculate that Osborne has finally run out of random, obscure influences to reference, while others fear he’s taken an ill-advised vow of silence following an intense meditation retreat.

“I heard he might actually be resting,” said one concerned Reddit user. “Like, actually taking a break. I don’t know if I believe it, but if it’s true, I respect it. I’m also terrified by the thought.”

Meanwhile, members of the underground music community have begun organizing a search-and-rescue effort. “We’re planning to check every recording studio on the West Coast, just in case Buzz has been locked inside one without WiFi and hard drive space,” said DIY venue booker Tina Lopez. “It’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

Despite the widespread alarm, band insiders insist that Osborne is in good health and that the Melvins are merely taking an uncharacteristically long pause. “Buzz is fine,” said a spokesperson. “They just haven’t announced anything yet. Maybe they’re experimenting with the concept of anticipation…Wait, this just in… Ok, I can now confirm, Buzz and the Melvins are announcing multiple new albums and side projects due out next month!”

Nevermind…